This weekend I went to spend some time with my parents. I realized that sometimes in life all you need to do is take in the little things that are happening around you to help you to realize life is good! Like….
Stopping at the light as a train goes by and realizing I couldn’t even remember the last time I saw a train and how amazing it looked. I think a train ride is in my future.
Watching my not so little baby girl who was mesmerized by these little live shrimp….they’re just shrimp!
Looking out at the Marina my Dad use to take my sister and me to when we were little and realizing how long ago that was and how I am now taking my daughter to the same place.
Spending quality grown women time with my Mom talking about grown up issues. When exactly did I become an adult!???
Lastly, and I have no picture ….. impulsively running through my parents sprinklers, Amaya and I, screaming at the top of my lungs like I was 12 again and not worrying about my hair getting wet! LOL… it was great! I think my Mom and Dad may have thought I lost my mind for a minute. Nope. In the end, sometimes it’s just the little things.
Anyone who says 30 is the new 20 is trying to psych themselves out. Since turning 30, I do have to say I feel much wiser. I can separate the ego from the truth and I have come to a place where I do not care much about other people’s opinion about me because I know me and that I only come with good intentions. I was not able to do all this in my 20′s. But lets talk about the physical aspect of it! I FEEL myself aging and I don’t like it one bit! When the gym becomes a necessity and not an elective, that is a problem. I hate working out…but I am 5’2, I do not have much room for growth. When you have to make a conscious decision to either eat the yummy food and work extra hard at the gym tomorrow or not eat the food…and still go to the gym tomorrow, I find that to be a problem. I did not have this problem in my 20′s! I’ve developed heartburn! The first time it occurred I thought I was having a heart attack. I did not know what was going on because I’ve never felt that sensation in life. I LOVE spicy food but I am almost at the point where I might have to give it up because the heartburn is too intense. I did not have this problem in my 20′s. We all know about my allergic reaction to shellfish (if you don’t you can read about it here ) and now supposedly I cannot eat shellfish…not a problem in my 20′s! And!, I now make those grunting noises that my Mom use to make when she would bend over to pick something up off the ground! My daughter laughs at me the same way I use to laugh at my Mom…talk about karma! This is not right. I am not ready to go to through the changes. People, 30 is not the new 20 so please, stop saying that!
I started writing out this post a couple of weeks ago and up until today, at this moment, I still could not find the right words to justify my feelings. So I figured if I start typing, the words (and tears) would start to flow. This post is about the most important person in my life. Without her I would not be the person I am today. Without her I would not have compassion, strength, and a sense of pride in something only me and one other person could claim. I am talking about my daughter. We met on this day 12 years ago! I was full of fear, worry and stress. I got pregnant at nineteen and had not a clue how to take care of another human. Let alone a baby… but there I was, in the hospital bed staring at this tiny little human. She was 5lbs 13 oz, helpless, and innocent. Sitting there with her in my arms I realized this little baby was depending on me… and although some people told me my life was over, my life was just beginning. I cannot sit here and say life was easy and breezy because it was not. We had our struggles but I always had my family. When no one else was there for the day-to-day struggles they were there to encourage me, make me more confident and give me a break when I really needed it. My daughter was a handful! She would cry ALLLLLL day!! You may think I am exaggerating but take the most colicky baby and times that by two. That was her! Sometimes I felt as if I was going out my mind…sometimes I felt as if I wanted to give up on her. It was that bad! But you learn to deal and things slowly got better. I honestly feel when she was crying that whole time she just had a lot to say but just couldn’t speak because my daughter is the ultimate chatterbox!! 12 years later I sit and chuckle about the early years. I often reflect on her younger years and the silly things she use to say or do. The way she would refuse to go to bed unless her tennis shoes were on her feet! Or the way she used to try to climb in my sister’s high bed and get stuck in mid air….half of her body on the bed, and the lower part hanging off pleading for our help but we would leave her there for pure entertainment! LOL! I thank God for my Daughter everyday. At this point, my life without her would be pointless if she was not here. She is my cheerleader, my critic, my right hand woman, and the reason I get up everyday and do what it is I have to do. I often look at her now when she thinks I am not looking at her and my heart melts. She is growing up. I sometimes watch her as she combs her hair in the morning…. something I use to do… or how she is now into earrings because she thinks they make her look prettier…. or how she tells me about her crush at school over dinner which makes me lose my appetite but I do not flinch because I always want her to feel she is able to tell me everything without me overreacting. It is amazing to watch this once tiny human grow and mature into someone you still see the same as the day they were put into your arms. In the end, I would not change our journey for nothing. Granted at the time I wish I was more established and was able to give her all the things I wanted her to have and what I felt she deserved however she never went without. And it made me realize you never understand how strong you are until you have a baby. It took her to show me that. In the end I just hope she is proud to have me as her Mommy because I am extra proud to have her as my baby!
Oh my goodness people. I had my first near death experience yesterday evening. I was at the gym working on my Sade fitness when my head and hands started to tingle. I thought maybe I was being too over zealous so I slowed down but the feeling started getting worse. So I stopped running and proceeded to go to a weight machine so I could sit down. I didn’t want to go into a full panic because other people were working out in there….I’m easily embarrassed. Then I noticed my tounge starting to swell!I knew it was time to go. I called my Mom to tell her something did not feel right and what should I do. She told me, “Call 9-1-1″ so after I asked her to give me the number… (j/k) I proceeded to call 9-1-1 while walking back to my house. My daughter was home and when she answered the door the first words out of her mouth was “oh my gosh Mommy, what’s wrong!” Now I was in a full panic. 911 was on the line and at this point I couldn’t even talk clearly. I had to give them my address three times just to get it right. I walked into the bathroom to see how I was looking….I looked like a freaking monster! So now I’m in between trying to stay calm for my daughter’s sake and wanting to cry! I have to tell you, in retrospect, that in between must have looked hilarious! Anyhoo, the paramedics and firemen came…yes all 6 of them to my rescue (it really is just my luck to be surrounded by firemen and I just happen to look like jabba the hut at that moment.) Long story short, I’m fine now. I had an allergic reaction to some PF Changs Kung Pao shrimp I ate before I went to work out. I never had an allergic reaction in my life! And I have to say it was terrifying.
Now that the adrenaline has gone away and I am able to sit and ponder it, I have all sorts of emotions. The “what ifs” and the “how fortunates.” When we got home from the ER my daughter said “see it’s true mommy, you should always let people know how you feel and let them know you love them because you never know what is going to happen today or tomorrow.” It is so true. We just never know. So now I choose to be in the moment. When my daughter kisses me goodnight I’m usually watching TV or on the computer and I usually kiss her back while shooing her off at the same time. I will now stop what I am doing turn to her and take it all in. I needed this little awakening becasue lately I’ve been feeling a little down and lost but nothing brings your spirit back to life like a little “Hello God, It’s me” moment…